The ‘seat belt’ is a safety precaution in a vehicle, once you are strapped in, if you have a crash the seat belt will hold you safe and in position, limiting the damage to your body.
The ‘seat belt’ I am referring to is a metaphorical ‘seat belt’ that we put on in infancy to keep us safe from harm and change. I will explain…
All children are dependent on their parent/caregiver to keep them safe and alive. Babies/children have to learn quickly how to adapt their behaviour in order for the parent to want to keep them safe and alive, thus implementing bonding behaviour between parent and baby. The baby is totally dependent on their parent for their love and basic needs to be met, they have to learn quickly how best to fit into the parents world in order for this to happen. Adapting their behaviour and learning to ignore their own feelings of worth, values and needs to make way for the parents. The child will learn different ways of copying and adapting, this becomes the ‘seat belt’ I am referring too. The brain puts this ‘seat belt’ on by creating the voice, feelings within the child that they ‘should’ not do something that could lead to potential abandonment from the parent, thus leading them to be extremely vulnerable (in cave man times they would have perished, it is a inbuilt fear). This is a very cleaver copying mechanism that has developed to guide the child and keep them adapting to what the parents want.
Now when the baby goes from childhood into adulthood, this ‘seat belt’ has often not been unplugged, thus leading to anxieties and worries around stepping outside ones comfort zone. Then there is a process needed of paying respect to the ‘seat belt’ as this is what has kept you safe, but also making clear you do not need it anymore. You are a adult, you do not need to adapt your behaviour for your survival anymore because you can feed yourself, bath yourself and care for yourself etc.
When a person starts to change their thinking of being able to make changes in their lives, often the ‘car’ will slam its brakes on and the ‘seat belt’ will jar you and try to hold/pull you back into position. This is why change can feel extremely difficult and at times impossible, but changing your mind-set into; ‘I thank you for protecting me and for keeping me safe, I am now able to do this for myself’. Having these types of mantras or saying’s to reassure yourself that you have got it and can do it, in time the ‘seat belt’ will unfasten. It is also worth remembering that when you feel the ‘seat belt’ it is also a good indication that you are changing! As if you weren’t the ‘seat belt’ would not kick in to action. At this point keep going, you are in control of the car and can steer it from here!
What do you think about this? I would love to hear from you!
A thought of the day from the Lodge
(These are my personal views)
Person-centred therapy to me is not about changing the client it is about accepting the client with everything they are in their being.
Having an ultimate belief in the client’s actualising tendency, they are in-control and know themselves, I need to trust in that.
To believe in this, me as a therapist must undergo understanding and acceptance of myself, including my darkest parts. To keep checking in with myself, ‘to accept oneself is to truly accept another’. Trusting oneself leads to trusting others and their process. To lead a client is to judge them as not being able to see themselves and then change themselves if they desire, not what I desire for them, which in turn is not trusting in both my clients process and mine. leading to loss of respect for self and others. The ‘ego’ gets in the way – the need to wear a professional ‘hat’, which is about my insecurities and not my clients. It becomes about my need to control and proof I know better than them, that they need to follow my lead, rather than me realising it is not about me or what I would do, as they are not me.
Really the process is one of trust, a fundamental principle that has such a life changing effect! Learning to trust in the uniqueness of the other, that they are ultimately responsible for their choices and are able to choose the direction of growth, my job is to foster this atmosphere, not control it.
Therefore I need to question;
What is in me that does not want to surrender control over the client’s process, the directions they are traveling in, when I choose to direct, lead or advise them?
Little Lodge Counselling
Anger and Blame
Anger and blame mixed together are a terrible cocktail. To me, blame is the underlying feeling and anger is the driving force. Anger to me can be a very positive emotion but when it interlinks into something else it can turn to something that is unacceptable. This cocktail of anger and blame insures the individual becomes very narrow minded, almost like the person has a fog obscuring the full picture, allowing them to see only parts. They can become driven to seek justice through this blurred picture and without being able to take a step back and take it all in, they become unaware of anyone else just what they believe is right in that snap, shot moment. It is a distorted picture without the information that is needed to make decisions effectively, and without ensuring decisions are appropriate for others and the person experiencing these emotions. The person cannot think straight, and will become damaging to themselves and others. The reactions that are caused ensure they feel justified for this behaviour at the time.
Where does the blame stop? When justice has been reached? Who has the right to say they are more justified than others to make these decisions?
Blame ensures that we are justified to carry out our actions on others, making us no different. It breeds like a parasite, spreading to the corners of the world. Instead of individuals looking at themselves and changing, evolving, we are looking at others like we have no wrongs. We need to take time and learn from these actions, otherwise we never will. If we cant then the circle continues of blame blinding us. We loose sight of the tragedies that unfold in front of us, we loose sight of what is right and wrong, we loose sight that we cannot control others but ourselves. I ask the questions; what can I do to better this? what can I do to change and learn? otherwise we are doomed to live out the same patterns as what lead us here in the first place.
Being driven by anger we loose sight that the only way to beat negativity and evil is not to act the same but to unite and become one. We are after all humans, living on a planet, sharing this space with others at this moment and we need to look after one another and the emotion needed for this is Love. Love has the forward power of change, love is the emotion that needs to breed, with love comes compassion, this enables us to look after one another and not destroy each other. We are all different, but we all worthy of love. Difference is what makes us great and human, difference makes life change, evolve and learn to become better humans. Learn to love each other and ourselves, that’s what stops blame and haters in their tracks. If we know who we are, we know our truths, nothing can change that, people cannot take control over others without the person handing over the control too. Blame, ignorance and anger are lethal, but its not too late to change, to carve a better world for all, as equal individuals, seeing the human in each person and remembering the fragility of life.
Have we really lost sight of our love for one another? Are you prepared to love to save the world?
I am thinking aloud, these are my thoughts – Lucy
Person-Centred Counselling in Bexhill-on-Sea.
I will explain my thoughts on this…
Awareness is great because it gives the person the ability to look at themselves, assess and analyse themselves and then gives them choices which gives them the power to change. Awareness is a great gift, a tool that can help a person see there motives, ambitions and explains what drives them. Understanding one-self enables us to see why we act a certain way, why we make decisions and can ultimately show us what we don’t want, again leading to decisions and choices that we do want. Awareness puts us in the driving seat of our life, it fuels us to change, if we don’t have awareness we can feel that someone is driving our life and we have no control.
Awareness can also be a lonely place I have found, many people seem to not be able or want to communicate on levels that are deeper, which can be brought about by awareness. I feel like I am living in the matrix (the film that has aliens using us like batteries, while we live in a fake world where we believe we are living normal lives, a few people have escaped being plugged into this world and are awake to the reality that the matrix world is not real – its like a day dream.) so I have found that I feel I am a awake in a world where contact involves talk about the weather and an avoidance of what is really going on. I speak about my feelings and I feel the eyes of the people living in the matrix frowning and looking down on me like and therefore I should plug myself back into the matrix and not lead a different life. Not draw attention to myself, not speak about feelings and especially not about what’s really going on in the world. I feel the pull to fit in, I see that others want me to fit, others do not want to have to question, contemplate or change what they could do. (-Which is there choice.)
I have found this both fascinating and isolating. I feel often unable to connect with others because of my desire to connect to ‘souls’ and not a mask, thus people avoid me. However when I find a fellow who is out of the matrix I rejoice, I feel alive, I feel acceptance and I feel connected to the world, – I am not so strange. This may be fleeting but it is so restorative, like a drug I am seeking that connection again, the gamble of finding someone on the bus, or in the shops, that I can be seen and I can see them. I feel real.
Awareness is a useful tool, giving the ability to connect with others, to know or at least try to know what is really going on in all aspects; yourself, asking others about themselves and striving to understand the world around us.
Again these are my personal views on this subject, I would love to hear your views/experiences…. Lucy
Is it just me or is chit chat getting harder? I mean I struggle energetically wise from spending too much time with people – maybe they drain me or maybe I drain them. However I find it very difficult to relate to chit chat, I mean I used to be able to share in ‘weather chat’ and engage in the question about wether it is going to rain or not. But these days I am finding it difficult, I mean; yes we could do this same conversation like its the first time we are having it or we could talk about life? talk about; ‘how are you?’ – the real answer. Is it because I don’t want to know the answer or is it because you don’t want to give me the answer? How did we get to this point? Where we can’t even engage on a basic human level, without following our set ‘cues’ of – ‘yes I am fine thanks how are you?’
Any way I could go on pretending that I really care about the weather, like it is the only thing in the world I can talk about. Wouldn’t you want more? I know I do! More stimulation, more care, more interest in me as another person rather than a weather chat enforcer! Come on, its not that hard is it? MORE – thats what I want! Maybe I need to just do more – stop talking about it and really go for it? So what if I try to open up and I’m rejected or frowned upon for deviating past my script? – Well I guess I do care after all!
I feel like the only one that wants MORE, that wants to connect, is it enough to just connect to what you are saying? Well thats the thing I am not sure about myself, maybe to another human? Maybe to feel something deeper than this surface level chit chat? Don’t get me wrong its not necessarily I want to talk about anything specific (maybe not politics), but I would like to FEEL and I mean FEEL what its like to be accepted for saying; ‘I don’t feel ok’ and being able to ask for help. I would like to share that and share in others FEELINGS too!! does that make me bad?
Well I heard you say… earlier you mentioned that you find people draining – yes valid point, but the point for me which becomes draining, is the moment it become meaningless chit chat – the dance moves of unconnected people, this I find exhausting. I long for connection and to feel embraced with a good chat – but not chit chat!
what do you think and feel about chit chat? I would love you to email me and let me know.